50 Widgets

This was written in 1993 By Andru Luvisi and Mike E when we were students.

                            50 Widgets


The following is a guide to various disciplines taught at SSU, and their
most common problem solving techniques.

Written and Created by Mike E and Andru Luvisi

Spelling corrections and editing by Bill Kendrick



                  You need 50 widgets. 

Math major:
   Builds his tools and wrenches, uses them to build a widget maker, and makes

Physics major:
   Buys tools and wrenches, uses them to build a widget maker, and makes

Engineering major:
   Buys widget maker. Makes widgets. 

Art major:
   Makes an abstract painting of a widget and makes 50 limited edition
lithographs of it. 

Astronomy major:
   Names a new constellation "widget". Takes 50 photographs of it. 

Biology major:
   Buys a widget and dissects it. Buys 49 more. Oops, destroyed the first
one dissecting it. Buys 1 more. 

Anthropology major:
   Digs up 50 widgets. 

Business Administration/Economics major:
   Borrows capital to provide investment into corporation under section C
of private ownership to produce widgets. Said company produces 50 widgets,
and then dissolves.

Chemistry major:
   Attempts to make widget in lab. Blows up lab and him/her-self. 

Communications Studies major:
   Gives speeches about widgets. 

Computer Science major:
   Creates animation of tools building widget builder building widgets.
Prints out 50 hard copies of the widgets. 

Counseling major:
   "But how do you FEEL about widgets?" (Also helps people deal with their
failures in building widgets.) 

Criminal Justice Administration major:
   Finds someone with widgets. Plants controlled substance on the person's
widgets. Confiscates widgets.
(Books person on 5150 72-hour psych. evaluation with counseling major.)

Economics major:
   Assimilates production possibilities curve, calculates supply and demand
curves, determines market saturation, checks on available capital, looks at
funding from corporations, individuals, government, and international
spending, and decides widgets aren't profitable enough to make. 

Education major:
   "If a train leaves new york, carrying 32 widgets at 56 miles per hour,
and crashes into a train that left chicago eastward carrying 62 widgets at 73
miles per hour, assuming both train engineers (as distinct from engeneering
majors) are 75 years old and haven't been drinking (much), how many widgets
will be destroyed in the crash? Please submit your finger painting of the
crash by 12:00 noon tomorrow (or whenever you want...if you want to.)" 

English major:
   Wot iz an Widdjit? 

Environment Studies and Planning major:
   "We need an environmental impact report before we even begin building
these things." 

Film major:
   "Here is the widget in it's native habitat... notice the interesting
colorations around (ah shoot, I should've used 35 mm for this!)" 

Foreign Languages major:
   Was ist ein Widget? 

Geography major:
   "Can you locate Widgetah Kansas?" 

Gerontology major:
   "But how will a widget aid the large aging population with their major
problems? Will it help them clean their dentures? Will it help them put on
their Depends? I think not." 

History major:
   "The widget has held places in history from the antebellum years of our
country to the present. Their specific use is often times still unknown
by the way, I didn't copy this out of the Encyclopedia Britannica page 4685."

Humanities major:
   "What does it MEAN to be a widget?" 

Music major:
   Writes a song about widgets. Sings it 50 times. 

Nursing major:
   Realizes widgets can hold urine. Buys 50 widgets. 

Political Science major:
   Decides widgets are too controversial to discuss. 

Psychology major:
   Accuses counseling major of using improper counseling practices which add
to people's widget psychosis and don't help them. Also argues for the Jungian
Theory of the "Widget Consciousness."

Sociology major:
   Determines the impact of widgets on mob psychology in three year old
children. Argues with psychologist and agrees with counseling major
(when he can figure out what the counseling major said).

Theatre Arts major:
   Studies the motivation behind widget action so he/she can better portray
their widget character. 

Women's Studies major:
   Wonders why female widgets aren't sold for as much as male widgets. 

Kinesiology major:
   "Ug!" (Is given a widget so he'll know what it looks like. Is shown, in
kindergarden sign language, that 50 of them are desired. Breaks widget in
field goal attempt.) 

Hutchins major:
   "Wha? Me? Huh? But that would be work! Hey, I didn't raise my hand!"